At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
