I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
