i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
