i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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