I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
