On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize