I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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