The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
