woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
