I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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