I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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