Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
