I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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