If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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