I'm gonna have a badass scar
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize