Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
