Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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