I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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