dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
