Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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