omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize