Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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