to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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