i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
