i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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