Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
