Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
