Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
