He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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