Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
