seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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