he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
