just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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