I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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