Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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