If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
