i think i have two assholes
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Someone came in the potted fern
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
