Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
