Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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