my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
