walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
