We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
