sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
