She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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