He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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