distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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