I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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