gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
