I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
