Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
