I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
