I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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