It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
