you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
