He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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