god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
All the doctor said was why
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
